duuuude!

I admit it, I'm guilty. I called someone "dude" the other day. And then I did it again. To my husband and my kid. I can't help it, it just slipped out. Then I got a call last night from a college kid - clearly they were doing a survey and I feel bad because I would rather clean public toilets than make phone calls for a living and the poor kid was so sniffly and he was talking soooo fast (faster than me, even) and I had to say "dude, slow down just a little cause I totally can't understand what you're asking me". And then I told him to take care of his cold. See, I'm not a completely totally heartless bitch.

High Karate

Wasn't there a cologne by that name back in the 70's? Anyway - I took the kid to karate yesterday because the GParents are on vacation in eastbumf*ck Maine so I've been doing all the running around in the afternoon that my mother usually does (thanks ma!) So I’m sitting there reading my very good library book and as I’m sitting there, I'm thinking “why do all these parents need to bring ALL their undisciplined offspring to this class?” And then I was charitable and I said, ok maybe toddlers can’t be left home alone while mom or dad brings the kid to class. But what really bugs the living shit out of me is that these people are feeding their kids in the waiting area. Which is about the total size of a bus stop. And there are at least 8 adults in this tiny little room and not all of them in shape, if you know what I mean. Feed them at your house before you leave, feed them in the car before you come in, stand outside and eat, but JesusMaryandJoseph, can you keep your raggedy ass children to yourself?? And if your little shit kid kicks his sneakers off and hits my law abiding kid, then you bet your sweet fat non-working sitting around eating bon bons Coach purse carrying, fresh pedicure flip flop douchebag ass that I am going to say something to him. I might even slap him.

a Note to Johnny's Parents

You know, some of us give voluntarily of our time to coach your child in sports. Many of us have been doing it for years, so that means we know a little bit more about it, than you do. I'm glad you signed little Johnny up to play so thanks for your check and we will do our best to make sure he a) knows the rules; b) gets to play and c) has a good time. Thank you for your feedback about the game. Yes I know that he didn't play every down of every four quarters, but there are 50 other kids on the team who also deserve a chance to play. And it's Johnny's first year, so he's not as skilled as some of the other kids who've been playing longer. And he missed a week of practice because you scheduled your vacation during school so he's a little more behind than everyone else who was at every practice. And Johnny really isn't ready to be the quarterback because he's about 4 feet tall and can't really see over the defense to throw the ball. I know you think that he is, but trust me, he's not ready. Plus he can't really throw. I really appreciate your and your wife coming to the games and hurling insults at me, the other coaches and some of the opposing team. That sets an excellent example for the kids. Really makes you look like a stud, too. Oh and thanks for that 3 page email about how Johnny sitting on the sidelines makes you feel because you know, youth sports is all about you. And don't worry that you were late picking up again for the 3rd time this week, I don't really want to get home to my own family and see them before they go to bed, because I'm not leaving your kid alone at the school to wait for you. And hey, it's ok that we are holding up the bus waiting for you to get here so we can be on time for the away game and do warmups - excellent team spirit! And really, feel free to call me on my personal cell phone at night, or on the weekends or anytime, to complain or to ask me a stupid question about practice, or the schedule - information which is readily available on the team website or via the team hotline.


Because, in spite of you, I coach because I love the game and I love the kids and I love to coach. In spite of you I come back every year to a new crop of kids, to new challenges and to a new team. In spite of you, we win some, we lose some. In spite of you, the kids have fun, they learn about the game, about sportsmanship and about winning and losing. In spite of you, they learn about respect - for themselves, their teammates and their opponents. In spite of you, they learn how to conduct themselves in public, how to treat their mothers/grandmothers/sisters/aunts. In spite of you, they go on to compete at other levels or in different sports.


Because of me, the coach.

Being a Chick

How can a beautiful, charming 7 year old girl go from a beautiful, charming 7 year old one minute and turn into a screaming harridan the next? Cause she's a chick. That's my husband's explanation, anyway. The kid is fine one second and boy, look at her cross eyed and she's fucking flipping out. Ex drops her off last night after their weekly dinner and the dog I think sniffed her sock or something and I got a tantrum out of it - tears, yelling, the whole bit "the dog looked at me!" and he stands there because of course she's bloody perfect with him at all times, I always get stuck with her shit....and he's all "be nice to your mother" and "is this new" and and I'm like "dipshit, she does this EVERY SINGLE TIME you drop her off". And has done it for the last 7 years you fuckingasswipe. She has to be on her 100% absolute best behavior with you so when she comes home she likes to make a stink about it.

So I do what I always do - I chugged my wine, took her outside and ran it out of her. She was perfect the rest of the evening.

September 11

Of course today is a humble day in our nation and in all the small towns and villages where normal people live, not just people who are representing cities and states. I know exactly where I was the minute the first plane hit - I don't think I will ever forget that. I was in the volvo wagon with the kid - she was a 3 month old then and we were headed for a visit with a friend who's baby is just about the same age. I had the radio on and when the news came over - I remember the dj's saying something about it being some kind of prank, like a Howard Stern thing. And then right after that, when the second plane hit, all voices turned hysterical. Once I got to Pam's house in front of her enormous tv, we just sat there with the babies in stupefaction. Just glued to it.

Watching the news and the review of the day yesterday, it crystallized to me that this is the first national tragedy my generation has experienced. We didn't have Vietnam or MLK or anything - this is our history. Hopefully we will never experience it again. I didn't personally know anyone, although I had an online friend who works at the Pentagon. There was someone in my town who I didn't know who died. I think that even if you didn't know anyone personally, that there is still room in your heart for appreciation and sorrow and a few tears to fall. I'm not a demonstrative person - at least I don't think so. I don't think I could go to those memorials every year - I'd be a basket case - me, the person who cracks the jokes at the funerals. I've seen men at the Vietnam Memorial and it's the names on the wall + what the memorial symbolizes or the AIDS quilt. Often it is just the symbol that can move a person to tears, or to action or to sympathy.

My Friend Peter, that sarcastic SOB

I truly am a shitty friend. My friend Peter died recently of complications from a pancreas transplant. Yeah you pretty much need one of those. Peter was a tremendous high school athlete and good looking dude. He and the boys used to come into the diner I worked at on Sunday mornings after hockey practice. Unfortunately I had eyes for another Peter in the crowd (big mistake - he wore Frye boots). We ran into each other again a few years later in a coed softball league and became good friends even though I was married to who would later be called "that asshole". But he was always there for me - he had had a kidney transplant a few years before that but was doing really well. Unfortunately all the drugs and diabetes took a toll on his body over time and he just couldn't fight the fight anymore. For me I feel terrible we weren't closer over the last few years since I got remarried and he hadn't seen the kid in while. No excuse really since we live pretty close by each other. My bad. I have to live with the guilt and that sucks.

Oblivious Me

So I'm outside with the kid the other drawing on the walkway with chalk and my high school friend, who lives literally around the corner from me, came walking around with a double stroller. Double, you say? Since she only has one kid who is two and a half. Oh yes, cause she popped out another one since the last time I saw her! and he's 7 months old! So that makes me a shitty friend, right? I was so shocked I said "that's not yours, right?" (as I pointed into his little face). And she was all, "yup - surprise!"



Hey she seems to be handling it very well so all the power to her. Since she had to go through the whole in vitro thing with the first once, this boy is a very pleasant surprise. And cute.



We vowed to get together a little more often.

Dress Code

Now that fall is in the air here in New England, I would like to formally protest the advent of the flip flop as a fashion accessory in the workplace. Not only is it unsightly and unhygenic, but the NOISE going up and down the hall! Flip flop flip flop - it's ghastly. Now my workplace is fairly casual - guys are in khakis, women in skirts or chinos - no hose required. But I wear a jacket every day with my skirt or pants, try to look at least halfway professional since I work with the sales department and also am pulled into some executive meetings - but that's me. I wouldn't be caught dead in a pair of flip flops in the office - rubber, leather or otherwise.

When did a cutoff denim mini skirt paired with a hoochie mama tank top and matching flip flops become appropriate for ANY work place (Hooters, excepted). Do these women expect to be taken seriously - by anyone?