Slacking and bitching about the holidays.

God I have been slacking off - probably because I've been reading so many others blogs, diving inspiration from unlikely sources. Plus the election held me captive for weeks...thank the hounds of hell that's over for awhile.

I've been trying to get my holiday shopping done. If I didn't have to get for my husband's family I'd be DONE. And really, my nephew the lawyer needs a $25 gift certificate from me?? I don't think so. About time he and his sister were in the adult swap, which I've tried to do for years, since they were in college. And I'm trying to lower the swap to $25 each. It's not like anyone in his family puts any thought into the gifts - it's essentially an exchange of gift cards - and you TELL the person who has you what you want at Thanksgiving. SURPRISE!

I'm thankful for the Kid, who is SOOOOO easy to get for and surprise. She's the best.

I got the email from my SIL today about Thanksgiving. Now she's great, I love her she always has us all over and does the turkey and ham, etc. Awesome. But I'm like the BEST COOK IN THE FAMILY. I bring the salad. And this year, wine.

Oh well, I'm grateful for family too.

Grocery Cart Wars

I guess you could say I have a pretty well defined set of right and wrong behaviors. Things like:

• use your directional


• hold the door for the old lady/man


• don't cut me off unless you're going the speed limit


• serve the other person first


• put your shopping cart back when you're done

Aha - the rub. I was at the grocery store at the ungodly hour of 7am last Sunday - because I hate doing it and it's one of the least crowded times and the Kid is home making pancakes with Coach so I have a little "alone" time. I'm putting my reusable (!) bags in the car and this woman slams her trunk and leaves her cart in the parking lot. Now, this was a completely able bodied woman - no visible handicaps or anything - no limp, no oxygen tank - she was about 45 years old. Not old, not young, just a a regular woman out shopping. No kids, no hangers on, nothing. And not only did she leave the thing in the parking lot...she left it in a HANDICAPPED SPOT. BITCH! And I told her so. Lazy ASS.



People who get a cart pass:

• old people who are noticeably frail


• women with babies/kids - often I will put the cart away for you

That's pretty much it. The world is such a shitty place sometimes that the once nice thing you can do is NOT LEAVE YOUR CART IN THE HANDICAPPED SPOT YOU F'N TWAT.



ok, I feel better.

Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it

I actually thought it read: presence "STRANGLES" it. Which is more about my life than this nice woman who blogged it below:

http://www.joyunexpected.com/archives/2008/10/absence_sharpen.php

All Skate!

I like my house, most of the time. Some of the time, though, it feels like it's about the size of a matchbox. We have a cape - about 45 years old and are updating it one project at a time. My husband and kid made me a kitchen island last year to replace the 70's reject that was there and I really like it, but it's a tiny bit too big - although the storage is great and I use the thing every single day. However, when you get the whole family in the kitchen - and we are not a small people - I'm 5'10 and Coach is a little more + broad shoulders (yum) , the dog weighs as much as a Datsun and the other dog is just underfoot all the time. "Get out of my way, !" is all I ever say sometimes - especially when I'm cooking or making lunch / breakfast.

So I figured if everyone just went in the same direction around the island, like at a roller rink, noone will get hurt.

duuuude!

I admit it, I'm guilty. I called someone "dude" the other day. And then I did it again. To my husband and my kid. I can't help it, it just slipped out. Then I got a call last night from a college kid - clearly they were doing a survey and I feel bad because I would rather clean public toilets than make phone calls for a living and the poor kid was so sniffly and he was talking soooo fast (faster than me, even) and I had to say "dude, slow down just a little cause I totally can't understand what you're asking me". And then I told him to take care of his cold. See, I'm not a completely totally heartless bitch.

High Karate

Wasn't there a cologne by that name back in the 70's? Anyway - I took the kid to karate yesterday because the GParents are on vacation in eastbumf*ck Maine so I've been doing all the running around in the afternoon that my mother usually does (thanks ma!) So I’m sitting there reading my very good library book and as I’m sitting there, I'm thinking “why do all these parents need to bring ALL their undisciplined offspring to this class?” And then I was charitable and I said, ok maybe toddlers can’t be left home alone while mom or dad brings the kid to class. But what really bugs the living shit out of me is that these people are feeding their kids in the waiting area. Which is about the total size of a bus stop. And there are at least 8 adults in this tiny little room and not all of them in shape, if you know what I mean. Feed them at your house before you leave, feed them in the car before you come in, stand outside and eat, but JesusMaryandJoseph, can you keep your raggedy ass children to yourself?? And if your little shit kid kicks his sneakers off and hits my law abiding kid, then you bet your sweet fat non-working sitting around eating bon bons Coach purse carrying, fresh pedicure flip flop douchebag ass that I am going to say something to him. I might even slap him.

a Note to Johnny's Parents

You know, some of us give voluntarily of our time to coach your child in sports. Many of us have been doing it for years, so that means we know a little bit more about it, than you do. I'm glad you signed little Johnny up to play so thanks for your check and we will do our best to make sure he a) knows the rules; b) gets to play and c) has a good time. Thank you for your feedback about the game. Yes I know that he didn't play every down of every four quarters, but there are 50 other kids on the team who also deserve a chance to play. And it's Johnny's first year, so he's not as skilled as some of the other kids who've been playing longer. And he missed a week of practice because you scheduled your vacation during school so he's a little more behind than everyone else who was at every practice. And Johnny really isn't ready to be the quarterback because he's about 4 feet tall and can't really see over the defense to throw the ball. I know you think that he is, but trust me, he's not ready. Plus he can't really throw. I really appreciate your and your wife coming to the games and hurling insults at me, the other coaches and some of the opposing team. That sets an excellent example for the kids. Really makes you look like a stud, too. Oh and thanks for that 3 page email about how Johnny sitting on the sidelines makes you feel because you know, youth sports is all about you. And don't worry that you were late picking up again for the 3rd time this week, I don't really want to get home to my own family and see them before they go to bed, because I'm not leaving your kid alone at the school to wait for you. And hey, it's ok that we are holding up the bus waiting for you to get here so we can be on time for the away game and do warmups - excellent team spirit! And really, feel free to call me on my personal cell phone at night, or on the weekends or anytime, to complain or to ask me a stupid question about practice, or the schedule - information which is readily available on the team website or via the team hotline.


Because, in spite of you, I coach because I love the game and I love the kids and I love to coach. In spite of you I come back every year to a new crop of kids, to new challenges and to a new team. In spite of you, we win some, we lose some. In spite of you, the kids have fun, they learn about the game, about sportsmanship and about winning and losing. In spite of you, they learn about respect - for themselves, their teammates and their opponents. In spite of you, they learn how to conduct themselves in public, how to treat their mothers/grandmothers/sisters/aunts. In spite of you, they go on to compete at other levels or in different sports.


Because of me, the coach.

Being a Chick

How can a beautiful, charming 7 year old girl go from a beautiful, charming 7 year old one minute and turn into a screaming harridan the next? Cause she's a chick. That's my husband's explanation, anyway. The kid is fine one second and boy, look at her cross eyed and she's fucking flipping out. Ex drops her off last night after their weekly dinner and the dog I think sniffed her sock or something and I got a tantrum out of it - tears, yelling, the whole bit "the dog looked at me!" and he stands there because of course she's bloody perfect with him at all times, I always get stuck with her shit....and he's all "be nice to your mother" and "is this new" and and I'm like "dipshit, she does this EVERY SINGLE TIME you drop her off". And has done it for the last 7 years you fuckingasswipe. She has to be on her 100% absolute best behavior with you so when she comes home she likes to make a stink about it.

So I do what I always do - I chugged my wine, took her outside and ran it out of her. She was perfect the rest of the evening.

September 11

Of course today is a humble day in our nation and in all the small towns and villages where normal people live, not just people who are representing cities and states. I know exactly where I was the minute the first plane hit - I don't think I will ever forget that. I was in the volvo wagon with the kid - she was a 3 month old then and we were headed for a visit with a friend who's baby is just about the same age. I had the radio on and when the news came over - I remember the dj's saying something about it being some kind of prank, like a Howard Stern thing. And then right after that, when the second plane hit, all voices turned hysterical. Once I got to Pam's house in front of her enormous tv, we just sat there with the babies in stupefaction. Just glued to it.

Watching the news and the review of the day yesterday, it crystallized to me that this is the first national tragedy my generation has experienced. We didn't have Vietnam or MLK or anything - this is our history. Hopefully we will never experience it again. I didn't personally know anyone, although I had an online friend who works at the Pentagon. There was someone in my town who I didn't know who died. I think that even if you didn't know anyone personally, that there is still room in your heart for appreciation and sorrow and a few tears to fall. I'm not a demonstrative person - at least I don't think so. I don't think I could go to those memorials every year - I'd be a basket case - me, the person who cracks the jokes at the funerals. I've seen men at the Vietnam Memorial and it's the names on the wall + what the memorial symbolizes or the AIDS quilt. Often it is just the symbol that can move a person to tears, or to action or to sympathy.

My Friend Peter, that sarcastic SOB

I truly am a shitty friend. My friend Peter died recently of complications from a pancreas transplant. Yeah you pretty much need one of those. Peter was a tremendous high school athlete and good looking dude. He and the boys used to come into the diner I worked at on Sunday mornings after hockey practice. Unfortunately I had eyes for another Peter in the crowd (big mistake - he wore Frye boots). We ran into each other again a few years later in a coed softball league and became good friends even though I was married to who would later be called "that asshole". But he was always there for me - he had had a kidney transplant a few years before that but was doing really well. Unfortunately all the drugs and diabetes took a toll on his body over time and he just couldn't fight the fight anymore. For me I feel terrible we weren't closer over the last few years since I got remarried and he hadn't seen the kid in while. No excuse really since we live pretty close by each other. My bad. I have to live with the guilt and that sucks.

Oblivious Me

So I'm outside with the kid the other drawing on the walkway with chalk and my high school friend, who lives literally around the corner from me, came walking around with a double stroller. Double, you say? Since she only has one kid who is two and a half. Oh yes, cause she popped out another one since the last time I saw her! and he's 7 months old! So that makes me a shitty friend, right? I was so shocked I said "that's not yours, right?" (as I pointed into his little face). And she was all, "yup - surprise!"



Hey she seems to be handling it very well so all the power to her. Since she had to go through the whole in vitro thing with the first once, this boy is a very pleasant surprise. And cute.



We vowed to get together a little more often.

Dress Code

Now that fall is in the air here in New England, I would like to formally protest the advent of the flip flop as a fashion accessory in the workplace. Not only is it unsightly and unhygenic, but the NOISE going up and down the hall! Flip flop flip flop - it's ghastly. Now my workplace is fairly casual - guys are in khakis, women in skirts or chinos - no hose required. But I wear a jacket every day with my skirt or pants, try to look at least halfway professional since I work with the sales department and also am pulled into some executive meetings - but that's me. I wouldn't be caught dead in a pair of flip flops in the office - rubber, leather or otherwise.

When did a cutoff denim mini skirt paired with a hoochie mama tank top and matching flip flops become appropriate for ANY work place (Hooters, excepted). Do these women expect to be taken seriously - by anyone?

and speaking of marketable....

Well, I survived the last round of cuts at the office. Two of my pals were let go and honestly, considering the amount of money they each were respectively pulling down and the output they were creating, it's not a surprise. Thankfully the drama is gone - weeks of speculation and "who do you think it's going to be", etc. Talk about a drop in productivity - mine included as I couldn't keep anyone out of my office! Like I'm privy to what's going on....

So what's a girl to do - I'm having a crisis of consciousness I think. I can't decide whether tis better to actively look even though I really don't feel like it or to go back and take some classes and get a job in an industry I'd like to work in or take the sure thing at a company an hour away from my house with my old boss.

A conundrum for sure.

Most Marketable

What does that mean, really? That the most people will buy it, or that a company will sink the most money into it or it's the coolest thing that everyone wants (remember Cabbage Patch kids and Tickle Me Elmo?). Well, the kid won "Most Marketable Invention" at the invention convention which I absolutely think she deserved. But I wonder if somewhere down the line that someone will appropriate her idea and market it themselves and make a ton of money.

Should I be applying for a patent?

Invention Convention Update

Well, as luck would have it - the kid WON her division of the Invention Convention (first grade)! Which means we get to go to STATE! (in a town full of shopping outlets and the best pancakes around - not so terrible). She is excited, although she is not quite sure why.

Honestly, her invention is pretty cool but I think what really swayed the judges was that she did the assembly of the model herself (she's the princess of the glue stick) and wrote the description and drew the model and explained it herself. As opposed to a lot of kids who had their parents help them, especially with the writing of the description - that's pretty lame.

So we're off. And next time you're at the baggage claim in the airport, you might see our invention come to life!

Drive Thru Obligation

As I was driving to work today, paused at a red light behind 5 other cars, some jerk tried to ease his car in front of me as he was pulling out of Dunkin' Donuts. No "May I" eyebrow, no "can I please" wave, no "do you mind if I" head bob. Nothing.

What is my obligation to let someone out into traffic? It really bugs me when people assume they have the right to cut into the line, just because I am stopped there. I feel that I have no moral, social or traffic-like responsibility to let them in with their takeout coffee and breakfast croissant. Especially if they are yapping on the phone at the time.

If another driver respectfully asks non-verbal permission, most often I will allow them in. However, those who do not ask nicely, do not receive.

Stumping at the Invention Convention

What possible invention can a 6 year old come up with for a school project?! Talk about a mind bender...And it's required. And it has to work. Or have the potential to work. And she is hopeless at coming up with an idea so we have to come up with it.



I looked online and most of the projects are completed by older kids and require sophisticated technology (e.g. hammer banging on toothpaste tube). Most of this stuff's been done already and I think the teacher will know if we cheat.



Putting on my thinking cap.....

Sleeping Alone (for a week)

Hooray! My husband is going on a business trip for almost a whole week! Yay - the bed to myself! No tightie whities on the floor! No meat and potatoes meals to cook! Although emptying the litter boxes will suck, there won't be any tracked in dirt, no jackets hanging on dining room chairs, nobody SWEATING on me in the night! I will be slightly lonely, but I have the kid, the cats and the dog so I think we'll be ok.

I can go to bed at 9! No flipping the channels! I can watch QVC or the Food Network or Lifetime! No repeating myself 3 times because he didn't heard me the first 2! No getting in my way while I'm trying to cook/clean/work! No hair on the soap!

Ok, I hope he has a good time and he gets home safe. It's not like he's going to Russia or anything. He'll be back Friday.

In the meantime I plan to don my nicest pajamas and enjoy having the bed all to myself!

Opportunity Knocking (timidly)

Is there anything a mid career professional dreads more than the forced job search? While I am still gainfully (and thankfully) employed, there are rumblings of layoffs, etc. because the CEO has brought in an FNG (f*&^% new guy) - a.k.a. the "hatchet man". So people are nervous and rumors are percolating and conjecture reigns supreme. The good news is that I have a lot of "transferable skills" and could temp if I needed to, but I really hate just dusting off the interview suit (control top, anyone), making sure I have those 5 really tough interview questions ready to go and making work excuses not to show up. It's exhausting. Hey, if the New Guy is going to improve my life and make my job better - I'm cool with that. However, if a better opportunity comes along, I'm not going to just turn it down without doing a good pro and con list.

Well, gotta go print out my references.....